Author: chloeejuliann

After year, upon year, upon year of hating myself… falling to pieces each and every moment, physically not being able to look myself in the mirror, having sex to disguise my pain and crying myself to sleep every night. I finally have had this moment of realisation. I think I’m starting to love myself.

Deep down, I’ve always truly known. But I am a good person. I have the biggest heart. Despite all my pain, I still continue to trust everyone. I care so much about everyone I come across. I would put myself in pain over putting someone else in pain. I’ve always said to myself, you are so weird for caring so much. But I think I finally accept it and applaud myself for it. Not many people have these qualities. It’s rare. It’s exciting. Hopefully one day someone will love that about me and want that in me and not want to change me.

I have had to experience so much pain, but it has never stopped me from thinking with my heart and loving people unconditionally.

Not everything about having a big heart is rainbows and lollipops. Having a big heart, will always make you feel like you did too much or didn’t do enough.

I think I get this from my dad…he is the one who gave me my morals and my values. When I look him in his eyes, I feel our souls match. I feel like our hearts are quite similar. We knew each other in a different life. And frankly, I would kill for him. I am so lucky to have a father with the heart he does..

He often said to me as a kid, you’re the only person I’d do this for. But I know that’s a lie… because if he ever sees someone in pain he goes out of his way to help them or fix them.

So finally instead of resenting my big heart, my extreme need to help people… I finally embrace the fact that my qualities are rare and lovable.

It gets heavy at times, but I’d much rather be a good person than a shit one.

Chloe.

Dreaming of waking up besides you, only you.

Dreaming of kissing you, not wanting to kiss anyone else.

Dreaming of you fighting for me, whilst we stand in the rain.

Dreaming of feeling at home with you.

Dreaming of slow dancing with you in our living room.

Dreaming of that moment we realise, there is nothing else but the yearning to be close to each other.

Dreaming of the moment I realise nothing else matters but our love.

Have you ever had that person, where you just know? That one person where your hands just seem to fit perfectly. Like puzzle pieces. Made for each other and you just feel, as if you’re the luckiest person in the world.

And my heart keeps going back to the moment when your eyes met mine, my soul pointed at you and whispered to my heart….

Him.

When being abused by a parent, you don’t lose your love for them. you lose the love you have for yourself.

Honestly, the feeling of being unlovable is such a gut wrenching feeling, feeling like the world is coming to defeat you, the feeling of no one being on your side and the feeling of being empty and that no one will love you and no one has ever loved you. It is heartbreaking, and when in this mindset you just crave that love or that meaning of being fully loved by someone.

A lot of people blame their childhood, their partners and trauma for having such a strong feeling of being unlovable and don’t get me wrong these things can have a huge impact on this way the human heart can feel, BUT it all comes and starts from you. You losing hope. You not loving YOU. Traumatic experiences can certainly assist with losing hope and force your mind to think something so low of yourself and you as a person, but it is you who decides to stay in this feeling or to rise above it and to truly love you and everything about you.

I have felt such a strong feeling of being “unlovable”, tried blaming others, blamed experiences but in reality it is just a case of not loving myself and the whole package I come with. Good, bad and the ugly. The mistakes and the achievements. Lately I’ve been in this dark hole of feeling such hate for the way I look, the way I act and the way I am. Feeling like no one will ever love me for me and for who I am. But the realisation has come upon me this afternoon whilst I was in the shower… that it is all because I don’t love myself fully. Which when do we actually love ourselves fully? We don’t. Self love is a forever going journey. There is always room for growth.

But for now.. I am working on self blame. Blaming myself for things I had no control over. Wishing I did something different. Thinking if I should’ve let them win. Am I good enough?

Sitting with this feeling is so important for me because then thinking about this feeling I realise that I have come so far in my self love journey and my overall journey in life. I have much better quality people in my life now, I love someone important and special, I love myself, I love the person I am, I appreciate certain bits about my body and what it does for me.

I think it’s scary when you don’t know what’s next, as they say the unknown is fearful and I am indeed scared of the unknown. It is so scary when you get a glimpse of how amazing life can really be and it just gets ripped out from underneath you because some guy ate a bat.

This time has really got me thinking. About the past. About the future. And about right now.

And I was thinking… maybe the journey isn’t about becoming anything maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that really isn’t you. In this time it’s all about what you will become after this time is over , what you have become and what strength that you have burning inside you and what you really bring to the table because I know it can be hard to believe but you ALL have something, everybody brings something to the table.

I have felt so sad, so miserable, so lost and so empty in this. Like all of us. Everyone is feeling the same. But feeling like I belong doesn’t help anymore. It makes it worse. It makes me feel emense sadness that the people I love, the people I care most for are also feeling this deep amount of loneliness and sadness. I want to escape. Not only this isolation. But my head. I want to escape my head. I want to escape my feelings. My thoughts. My darkness. Lately, I haven’t been able to see a way out. I want to see the light in this black soul burning tunnel but I see nothing not even a spot of lightness. BUT and there’s always a but. I have the ambition inside me the hope that if I still open my eyes tomorrow there may be that one chance that I will see a glimpse of light when I open my eyes tomorow.

I have this hope. This sense. This feeling. That one day I can save the world. That Chloe Julian can save the world with her story. No matter how many people didn’t believe in me and no matter how many people left me when I needed them most. I know my story can inspire that one someone to not take those pills or use that rope, I know that I can save a life. I know that and yes I know that in my darkest times I need to convince myself of this of to not give up because I can and saving people of what I went through, saving people of what I’m going through, preventing pain is such a magical thing. If I help someone, that means my job is done but if I help many that means I conquered. Despite everyone and everything.

Now Chloe, I know you can do this. You will share and you will create. Your words will inspire and you will be able to do this. Just believe in yourself like the rest of the GOOD people in your life do. Make sure you believe because that’s honestly all you need. If you believe your dream becomes a reality.

Now to everyone else, (and to myself to) please stop overthinking life like you have to have an answer to every feeling or situation. That not how fucking life works. We figure it all out by just living. By fucking up, by missing an opportunity, by seeking advice and not taking it. We learn. We learn what’s important and what isn’t. Sometimes we have no fucking idea what to do and that’s okay. Always trust your gut and know that everything will work out exactly the way it’s supposed to. It always does. I hate this word so much but. RELAX. We were never in control anyway. Do what you’ve got to do to be happy.

That anxiety is lying to you. You are loved you will be okay.

Healing is about realising that what someone did to you is not about you. It has nothing to do with you. It’s about their own personal wounds.

Sacrificing yourself and receiving nothing in return is soul destroying.

Trust in the unknown.

I don’t understand how someone is that okay with knowing they emotionally destroyed someone.

I owe you nothing but you owe me the life you promised but never gave.

Depression is such a scary, crippling illness. One day you’ll be fine and the next you’ll be in a hole, one without a light. Traumatic experiences coming back to haunt you, missing the people you love, feeling like there isn’t a soul out there to help or love you. This feeling could cause you to create a drastic change in A split second. The power of these emotions is so significant. You hide everything with that smile or contagious laugh because you do not want to hurt the people you love, because you love them so deeply. You don’t see the real you, you see the flawed you and the version of you that only you sees and not what everyone else sees.

It cripples you. It breaks you and it creates thoughts in your brain that aren’t even remotely true.

In my low times, I don’t allow myself to see my real worth, I don’t have any self worth and try to remove myself from all situations.

But I am strong. I am worthy. I am beautiful. I know all this because of the work I have put into making my self. With the good comes the bad, yes sometimes the bad might be bigger than the good but sometimes the good are much bigger than the bad. Perspective. View life in the better lenses. A lesson to others but also myself.

Hello everyone,

I am so sorry I have been MIA it’s been such a long time. So much has changed. High school graduation. Moved out on my own. Found myself. Made Connections. Motivational speeches. Just a couple small things.

A month ago I did a speech at a Gala Ball infront of hundreds of people. It taught me so much about myself. It taught me that I have a story and can help. I can help. Everyone in this world has something to offer and to create. And I’ve only just realised that I’ve got something to show and give the world. Everyone does. It’s time for everyone to realise that and work on your goals.

I’ve also graduated high school, this was an achievement that I always thought was beyond me. Something I could never achieve. But I did it. I feel so accomplished and that I can do anything.

But THE MOST IMPORTANT THING out of these last few months, is the thing I finished 24 hours ago. Life stream. Technically life stream is a workshop that changes your belief systems. But life stream is much more than that. Janne the most kind, soft, beautiful, angel that ever walked the planet and David the gentlest giant, the most intelligent man I’ve ever met / someone who changed my life and Nick – I don’t even know where to begin about this man but really he gave me the love I wanted all this time. A very special person. The most special I’ve met yet.

If you’ve got mental health issues or you aren’t feeling satisfied with life, you’ve got trauma?, you don’t know who you are or if you grieving. Honestly anything. I recommend every single human I meet to go and meet Janne and David and all their crew who are labelled as their family.

There are so many workshops you can go on to shift your mindset to be the YOU that truly deserves to be shown. I will put their email below so you can enquire but seriously please look into it. You deserve and so does Janne and David. Life changing. I mean it.

janneanddavid.com

Family constellation. Healing. Trauma excercises. Nature. Food. Love. This is all incorporated to helping you to be the real you.

Saying goodbye to this life changing workshop was so very hard for me. As I change that week, I got rid of my trauma and seriously realised that what happened to me isn’t what defined me.

I even suggested the most important person on this earth to do it, my dad. But he isn’t ready for that just yet. And that’s okay too.

It’s located in Healesville, the ville of healing. In country of Victoria.

Go and check it out and make your life yours and nobody else’s.

Love always, Chloe x