chloeejuliann

My Broken Pancreas

When I was 2 and a half years old I was diagnosed with Type One Diabetes. This October it will be 16 years since I was diagnosed, October 21 2003. Diabetes is a huge part of my life but I try to not let it define me. T1D has a bit of a stigma about in the ways, where people think they know the ins and outs of it, but really they don’t. It is no where near close to Type 2 diabetes and it actually is life threatening. For a huge part of my teenage life I tried to deny I had diabetes, I turned a blind eye and turned my back on diabetes, and only 6 or so months of caring for my body I strongly regret what i put my body through. Countless fingerpricks, countless injections, numerous endocronolist appointments, too many hospital admissions. This is my Diabetic Story.

When I was young my parents did most of the injecting for me and then once I got to my early teens they tried to teach me to do it on my own but that’s where it all went down hill..I completely take responsibility as I was and still am a very avoidant teen and didn’t want any responsibilities or accountabilities. All my friends didn’t have a scary illness so why the fuck did I? I would go days, even weeks and in worse cases sometimes even months without testing my BGL (Blood glucose levels) I ended up in hospital on numerous occasions on the verge of going on Dialysis and kidney failure or even amputation all because I basically didn’t care. My dad was going out of his mind.. he loved me so much but love cant fix this. This went on for years… Years of not listening or caring of what other people thought or felt. A doctor once said to me ‘Chloe you’re a ticking time bomb, im just waiting for you to blow up’ I didnt even care about that. My body kept fighting though, although I was killing myself slowly. I then moved into my Godparents home, I still didn’t care. They saw me on the floor of my bedroom laying there, not having an idea in the world what was going on nearly in a coma. Then the next day me not remembering a thing. This confused the hell out of them. Is she using this as an excuse? Is she using this to try and disguise her laziness? They had witnessed some scary sights and been through some difficult nights. We screamed at each other as loud as we could scream. I was frustrated! Why me? Why is this me? and them WHY THE FUCK IS SHE DOING THIS TO HER BODY??? Then, enough was enough. They couldn’t handle it nor could my body.

I went to my endocrinologist, got a CGM and spent a week in hospital. To learn, to absorb and to teach myself. This isn’t a game anymore. The CGM is a monitor that sits on my body testing my blood glucose levels 24/7. Since all the supports have been put into place for me, Its been up from there. My HBA1C is 7.6!!! The best its ever been. I had dreamed of this moment. Aswell as all my supports I put in the work and got the reward, obviously I have my bad days but overall I am great. Diabetes controlled so much on my life my mental health, my relationships, my motivation so much. But now I control it.

To all the Diabetics out there, you got this! I know its dark and I know you just want to scream and tell everyone to F*** OFF but you got this, even if you just do one more injection then yesterday! Its an improvement. I know it gets hard hearing your parents down your throat non stop.. But you can do it. You have so many people helping you along the way. Reach out if you need.

Feel free to contact me whenever you need.

Chloe x

Wasting your life

Imagine waking up in 50 years and thinking you’ve wasted you life.. Working a job you hate and not living a happy and joyful life? This not only can make you feel like you’ve lost your purpose in life, but it can also make you feel suffocated as every minute that goes by is getting closer to the end.

If you’re sitting in an accountant job you hate or you feel like you are not chasing your dreams, it’s time to change your life. No dream is too big for you to complete. Although circumstances like finances and locations can get in the way instantly fighting for that dream, do something day by day to get closer and closer to that dream.

Since I was a little girl, my two dreams were always ‘Traveling & being a child protective officer” each day i am getting closer and closer to my dream. At the end of this year, i would have completed my school life and to celebrate I will be going on a journey to discover myself, my passions and my purpose. My plans after I get back are unclear but one thing I know for certain is that I’ll never give up on my dream of helping children in unfortunate circumstances.

In saying this, I hope to not get overly caught up in following my dreams, as I will allow myself to change based on the journey my life takes me on. You can allow yourself to this too. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

This is abit of a random topic today but I hope my words can help you to change your way of life or even appreciate everything you’re doing. You create your destiny. You are in charge.

Talk soon, Chlo x

Trauma

In todays post, I am covering the topic of trauma. I am no doctor or specialist, I am just going off my own experiences. Trauma is dfferent for each person in many dfferent forms and ways of dealing with. But this is my opinion on the topic. Traumatic events can include near death or death experiences to one or someone close to that person. In my experience, my traumatic events hit very close to home and is a very hard topic to speak about. In saying that, I do want to help others with my story so here we go..

To start off… my traumatic events started off at a very young age. Ive only recently come to terms with the fact of what I’ve been through. Since I was very young my mum physically abused me to great lengths, it was quite scary because you never knew when she would blow up and she would always make sure she had a picture perfect reputation to show the public. It breaks my heart as she is my mum and will never apologise or acknowledge what she has done but i still continue to love her unconditionally. Whether it was from throwing me down staircases, locking me outside, sitting on me and using weapons on me i was scared out of my mind and the memories still haunt me to this day. These events have caused numerous suicide attempts and hating on myself. But now im in a better place and so much stronger to acknowledge that it wasnt my fault. And to all the trauma survivors out there you got this!

To all the trauma survivors YOU ARE WORTHY! YOU ARE ALLOWED TO STRUGGLE! YOU ARE ALLOWED TO TALK! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! THIS WILL PASS! YOU DESERVE TO TAKE UP THIS SPACE. IT IS OKAY IF ALL YOU DID TODAY WAS BREATHE. You deserve to be loved and treated well. You are not a mistake or fundamentally flawed. You dont need permission to exist. All your feelings are valid. Its okay to have a bad day, week or year. Healing is not linear. Its okay to not know what you need. The last one I’m going to share may not affect all but I believe you. When I was 10 years old, I confided in someone about the abuse and I got told I was lying and they ran straight back to my mother and I got twice as much. The point in this is, I believe you no matter how false and untruthful it sounds. I believe you.

For me I haven’t gotten to the stage of getting therapy for my trauma, but we are all on our own journey and I will support any one of you that needs me. Go do something for you. Complete a task you have wanted to do for a while. Light a candle. Have a sleepover. Do some writing. Think about how worthy and fucking amazing you are. You didn’t deserve what happened to you.

Your future is worth healing through the trauma from your past. You may have been born into darkness, but you are made of light.

Love always, Chloe.

Gratitude

Good Morning everyone, with todays blog post I will be discussing gratefulness and gratitude. Firstly, I will list 3 things i am grateful for…

Selfless friends
Animals to cuddle
Supportive family

By listing these things, i feel grounded and supported in my life. I stop worrying about the little things like ‘my hair is frizzy today’ and focus on the simpler yet more important things in life.

Going through a checklist every morning or night like What do you like about yourself? What is an experience you have enjoyed today? is a very significant part of a selfcare routine as it can start your day off on a positive note.

Happiness is appreciating life even if its not perfect. Happiness is not fulfillment of what we wish for, but an appreciation of what we have.

”I love you”

Ever since i was in Primary school, I told everyone who i loved that I loved them. Simple as that. And here is why I say ‘I love you’ when we drop each other off or we’re leaving school, or even if it’s just a goodbye for a few minutes and even though the ‘love you’s’ are so simple and routine, they happen for a reason. Because you never know when someones going to get into a car and not making it out alive, you never know which one of your friends is mentally breaking down and will attempt to kill themselves without you having any idea they’re hurting, or you never know if you’re brother or sister will wake up in the morning or if your dad will be rushed to hospital or if your uncle has a drug overdose. I always tell people not tell me they love me unless they mean it, but i say it to everyone because you know what, life is too fucking short and everything happens too fast and its just not worth it. Love everyone around you like you’ll never see them again because before you know it they could be gone. Share love and it’ll come back to you. Chloe x

Moving your body!

When I sat down to think about what I was going to write about, I thought id write about something that makes me the happiest in the world. Gyming and dancing. I cannot explain the true happiness dancing gives me, the right atmosphere, the right song and my dancing boots. That is true happiness in my eyes. I once went to a ‘Self care 3 day retreat’ and we were told to stand up in the crowd and share what makes us our true 5 year old happy self and I got up and put on a childhood song ‘Introducing me by Nick Jonas’ and danced to that with everyone in the crowd, that is when i truly found out my definition of Happiness. I also have recently found another way of moving my body that brings so much joy to me and which ignites my soul.. which is gyming. I try to go to my local gym every second day and it is something in my self care routine that actually makes me happy, whether it is a 2 hour class of yoga, 30 mins with a hot boxing instructor 😉 or a hard working pilates class or even a hour cardio sesh spending that time to myself to get endorphins moving and moving my body gives me so much inspiration and purpose to myself. Our bodies are so powerful, move your body in any way you can. Just move it and see how much your mood is improved! Take the stairs instead of the elevator, put headphones in your room and just boogy as much as you can, go for a walk, jump on the trampoline anything is something! Growing up with people who suffered from mental illness and now myself dealing with depression and loss of motivation it can be so hard to get up and start moving or do something for yourself! But once you do it you are one step closer to the goal and you will feel a million bucks! Happy Sunday, get moving this week x Chloe

The people close to me…

Thank you for putting the shattered mirror pieces back together again. You have such a heart of pure bright gold. Know that you make people like me feel wanted when there’s nothing left in me at the end of the night. When they suck everything out of me, I go to you because you are my strength. When you call me genuine or mature or lovable, it ignites my soul to a huge fire because you get ME. You understand that all I want is to love. You make me feel like I have a purpose. However, also remind yourself that your not invincible. Your heart needs rest. Your soul needs to refuel. Remind yourself you don’t need to carry the world on your shoulders. Remind yourself that you deserve to take all the energy you out into everyone else back into yourself. You are worthy of the love you keep giving everyone else. Remind yourself you can take a break, you can take a step back to nourish the softness inside you. Remind yourself that it isn’t weak to break down, it shows you have a fucking heart. This is not only a reminder to you, but also to me. I love you my friends x Always and forever

A letter to my distant Mum.

I need you so much right now. I want you in these dark nights. All I want is that biological love, to wrap their arms around me. I want to be held and loved. Why did life work against us? Take me back to the moments when I was oh so little and I felt your arms beneath my head. Life was so simple. My heart aches for you. I really miss you. You will always be in my heart, I love you so much. Although there are so many tormenting memories, for some weird reason the good constantly outweigh the bad. The laughs, the beach, the labradors. I am suffocated by these memories. I just want that you back. As tears slowly roll down my cheek, I wish you were here to cuddle me and cook me some warm food. I constantly have moments where I revisit the bad times, but in some weird way i felt comforted by you even when I was so close to death. I wish this nightmare without you would stop. I cannot breathe. I wish you could love me the way I need to be loved. But, I cannot change you and I have stopped trying. I now deal with the guilt and blame of losing you. I am finally letting go. Chloe x