My mum. Although she has caused me more pain than anyone. I can see through it. A quote I live by for myself is “Don’t allow history to repeat itself” In her case, history did repeat itself. Her childhood was horrible, so she decided to make mine just as worse. Which I can understand, as hard as it is.
How my parent treated me as a child is not a reflection of who I am, It’s a reflection of her childhood experiences.
In all my wounded states in life, all I look for is her love. Even unaware that I am doing it at times.
Pshycologists say that, this is because we are operating from the lense of our inner child. The inner child believes a parent is our super human. The inner child still idolises the parent and protects themselves around any reality that parent might be revealed in a way that’s hurtful.
Throughout my life, I have met people with emotionally abusive parents, physically abusive parents, psychiatric abusive parents and even sexually abusive parents. And regardless of age. It is painful.
As we get older we see our parents of what they truely are. I now know who my mum is. She is a flawed human being. Which wasn’t entirely her fault. She was hurt as a child. Not nurtured. Not loved. No support. She then passed that down to me. She protected me against others but all I needed was protection against her and her past.
Anyway, Mum I know you’ve been hurt and your whole 60 years you never was able to get the therapy you needed. But the reason my mum is the way she is today is because she was hurt too and didn’t have the capacity to grow from what happened to her.
I also want to say as flawed as my mum is, she has the side that makes me love her. The funny side. The three seconds I saw in an hour of pain.
If you can relate, let me know.
Love always,
Chlo x
Chloe's Blog 
My darling daughter whilst what you wrote was as usual, beautifully written, you are looking for excuses. There is no excuse or valid reason for what has been done to you by someone that was supposed to love you and clearly doesn’t no matter how much she says she does. Her behaviour towards you is clear proof that she doesn’t. Your second line and the comment in inverted commas is the key to it all. “Don’t let history repeat itself.” Not only did that happen, history repeated itself, what you told me happened to you was 10 times worse if I am to believe what I have been told. You will keep going back for a while yet but eventually you will realise that you are doing all the giving and she is doing all the taking and you are getting nothing from your relationship with her and you will eventually let it go after a lot more pain I am afraid to say but only you can make that call when the timing is right for you but eventually it will happen as I had to make the same call about my parents after a long time of being neglected and no interest. I still live with the hurt today but I realise it is nothing I did. Its all about them and its their behaviour that is wrong and not mine and you will eventually realise that and move on in your life. The sooner you do the better you will feel for it. All the treatment and doctor’s consultations will eventually help you heal and recover.
Chloe baby, you are looking for reasons or excuses to justify the reason you have been subjected to this behaviour. The answer you are looking for doesn’t exist and you won’t like it because there is no reason to behave this way towards you. You haven’t done anything to deserve to be treated this way. The person that did this to you is a monster. You are a gorgeous kid and I am proud to have you as my daughter and there is no reason on the planet to ridicule you, neglect you, threaten you and humiliate you the way you have been. There is no reason to do that to any child. Its that simple. If I had boiling water tipped all over me as a child why would I tip it over my own child because I know it would hurt them. The same thing applies here. Just because a person was abused as a child is no reason to abuse you in the same way or in a worse way because that person already would know how you would feel having had it done to them. That is no excuse or reason to do the same to you. You need to believe that, accept it and stop making excuses. As we grow up we know the difference between right and wrong and what was done to you was wrong and should have never happened and one day you will accept that and move on and do something about how you were treated as a child by this monster. The sooner you do the better you will feel and the sooner you will be able to heal and move on. My love always. Dadxxxx
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