A toxic mother

It’s one thing to be dipped in venom by those you don’t really care about, but when it’s by the person who is meant to love you, hold you, and take the sharp edges off the world, while teaching you with love, wisdom and warmth how to do it for yourself, it changes you. There is a different kind of hurt that can only come from a toxic parent – someone who is meant to love you. Kind of like being broken from the inside out.

There is a kind of hurt that can only come from people who are meant to love you. No body is perfect I totally get that. But, There is a point at which imperfect becomes destructive, taking away from children the love, warmth and nurturing they deserve and replacing it with something awful.

Hearing the words I hate you, you are un worthy, you disgust me, you are tarty and most of all I wish I never had you is the most soul destroying. The physical things hurt less now as the body learns how to cope, but my heart is too broken to cope with the words that come out of my version of satan.

I am not loved by my mother. No matter how hard i try. No matter how much I help. No matter what. I will never be loved by her.That fact slowly kills me.

When you say ‘I miss you’ you expect a ‘Oh my darling, I miss you too’ and no matter how much I try to acknowledge and accept the worst. I still can’t do it. My mum is evil and I cannot bring myself to let her go. I always remember the good and never the bad. But it always leaves me in a trap that I can’t get out of. It’s drowning me. I am overflowing.

I crave a love like hers, I always get ‘Fuck she’s clingy’ ‘Stop hugging me’ ‘Affectionate this or that‘ but it’s hard because my whole life i’ve never been nurtured i’ve always been kicked to the curb and all I want is her love but I will never get it.

She makes me feel not good enough. Not good enough for anything. Like everything is my fault. I don’t understand. I wish the flashbacks would just fuck off.

I know I am a good girl, I was and am so innocent and didn’t deserve that hurt. But it still got thrown at me. I don’t have a mother. I have someone who gave birth to me but she doesn’t love me , nurture me, care about me or think about me. I don’t have that privilege and if you have that treasure that.

She is so selfish and abusive and I keep running back for more. Why? Don’t ask. I still don’t understand why the fuck i keep wanting her. She’s replaced me now. She has a life where she doesn’t care about what I am doing. How I am. Where I am. I don’t matter to her anymore. In fact, I never mattered.

(Disclaimer : not a pity party just how I feel)

I saw a quote once and it said ” The worst kind of person is one who knows everything you’ve been through and out you through it again” This is my mum. I am so much stronger on my way to letting go. But me, I am still struggling. I don’t think I will ever come to terms that she doesn’t love me but I am slowly trying to deal with how to cope.

I seem to keep staying under those thunder clouds, being invisible and not knowing how much longer I can go, but I know that one day I will prove her wrong. I will show my mum that history will not repeat itself and I will be the most loving and supportive mum. Sometimes I do wish for her to win this battle and to give up. But I am stronger than that. I will not allow it.

If you’re going through the same thing, reach out to me. I want to change this world and make it a better place than what I arrived in it. If I can make someone feel loved or be there ‘Mother’ I will. I am here for any of you.

Love, Chlo x