My mum. Although she has caused me more pain than anyone. I can see through it. A quote I live by for myself is “Don’t allow history to repeat itself” In her case, history did repeat itself. Her childhood was horrible, so she decided to make mine just as worse. Which I can understand, as hard as it is.
How my parent treated me as a child is not a reflection of who I am, It’s a reflection of her childhood experiences.
In all my wounded states in life, all I look for is her love. Even unaware that I am doing it at times.
Pshycologists say that, this is because we are operating from the lense of our inner child. The inner child believes a parent is our super human. The inner child still idolises the parent and protects themselves around any reality that parent might be revealed in a way that’s hurtful.
Throughout my life, I have met people with emotionally abusive parents, physically abusive parents, psychiatric abusive parents and even sexually abusive parents. And regardless of age. It is painful.
As we get older we see our parents of what they truely are. I now know who my mum is. She is a flawed human being. Which wasn’t entirely her fault. She was hurt as a child. Not nurtured. Not loved. No support. She then passed that down to me. She protected me against others but all I needed was protection against her and her past.
Anyway, Mum I know you’ve been hurt and your whole 60 years you never was able to get the therapy you needed. But the reason my mum is the way she is today is because she was hurt too and didn’t have the capacity to grow from what happened to her.
I also want to say as flawed as my mum is, she has the side that makes me love her. The funny side. The three seconds I saw in an hour of pain.
If you can relate, let me know.
Love always,
Chlo x
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