Author: chloeejuliann

This night one year ago my life changed forever…

On 15 september 2018, I got admitted into a Mental Hospital for my trauma and depression.

I was hurting myself and blaming myself for things I couldn’t change or couldn’t prevent. One night my body couldn’t fight it anymore. I couldn’t fight it anymore. My godmother ran me to the ER and I stayed in the Mental institution for 10 days.

Honestly, It was the most scariest time of my life. I was all alone in a scary jail cell like room, drugged up, no emotional connection to anyone, screaming noises outside my room, sleep paralysis, insomnia and the horrifying moments that had haunted me since I was a very little girl. Change of medication. I was so frightened. I cried myself to sleep every single night.

Honestly, it’s so crazy how something so daunting can change you and make you a whole different person. Usually I am a girl to light the room up and laugh till I cry, but these 10 days I never stopped crying. My PTSD took over. The nightmares became reality.

But I got help. Something everybody desperately needs. I got medicated and I got better. After the ward, it hasn’t always been smooth sailing but I have been so much better. It’s hard to explain how the ward changed me. But boy it did, once i came out of there I changed. I finally had a purpose. What had happened to me did not define me. My life was mine and I got to choose what happened with it.

I now am back to being a happy Chloe, although I haven’t been me lately. Overall, I am a fun out there girl. And you. That person who feels like shit. Hides themselves behind the class clown. Feels like they have no friends. Or even the one who has the perfect life but is feeling an emense feeling of sadness. You deserve to get the help you need. If it means a pschyciatrist. Hospital. Medication. Anything. Whatever help you need. Go get it. You deserve to show your soul. The parts of you that make you giggle. Your massive heart that deserves to be given not only to the people around you, but share some of that love for yourself. You deserve it.

I am proud of you all out there and thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you. Although I have been through some horrible times, I am so grateful I’ve been through it because it makes me, me. I have so many stories to share. So if you want to hear anything particular. Let me know.

Lots of love always, Chlo x

Hello everyone sorry it’s been such a long time since I wrote but I am back and here is what I have to say.

I haven’t been well. I haven’t been happy. I haven’t been chloe. I haven’t been me.

I got a beautiful message from a girl in england, not long ago saying ‘I miss your content’ and it got me thinking. People care about what I have to say. People care. That is so special.

In australia, it is are you okay day? And guess what I am not okay. I am struggling. I haven’t been writing. I haven’t been doing thing I like and I haven’t been living my life. But that is okay because I am a work in progress x

But together as a Blog family, I would like to reunite and talk to each other. How are you all? What’s going on in your life? Do you need help? Do you need to vent? I am here for you. My inbox is always open. I will have a coffee with you. I want to hear you. I want to be there for you. You are so worth everything and your purpose is so clear. I am so proud of everything you are doing. And if you’re happy, I am so fucking proud of you for getting to this point where you’re okay. But still ask people who are happy because it’s just the thought that counts.

I love you all and can not wait to engage more. If you want me to write on a particular topic, please tell me. I would love suggestions.

Now girls and boys, do something for you. Go to the beach, write a novel or go see a friend. You are worth it.

Love chlo x

Today I have come to terms with the fact that my mum will never love me. She will never respect the boundaries I need. She will never be able to give me the love I truly deserve. This weekend I went to Queensland to spend 3 days with her and it has actually broke my heart. I didn’t want to talk about the past. I didn’t want to ‘repair’ anything, I just wanted to spend time with my mum. Although it didn’t work out like that.

It’s hard to process as my whole life I have simply adored my mum. But I am nothing to her anymore. Her life exists with me and as much as this feeling kills me, it is something I finally need to accept.

I live in Melbourne and she lives in Queensland. When we are so far away from each other she messages me so many toxic things about how much I’ve hurt her and how much she loves me, but after all this time I have finally learnt that words mean nothing. It’s actions that counts.

If you whos reading this have been or are going through something like I am, please remember this isn’t your fault and you deserve to be loved. I am sorry you’re going through this, but please know even though this person may not love you. You are loved. If someone toxic in your life is treating you with no respect and not respecting your boundaries. It is your call to leave. You control your life. You cannot control anyone else’s, as much as you may want someone to change. You cannot change them or control them, just control what you are, who you are and the people you let around you. You’re special don’t let just anyone in your life.

Love always,

Chloe x

Who am I? This whole blog so far has been all about what has happened to me and what has happened to my family. But in todays blog post I will be discussing who I am.

Hi I am Chloe. Chloe Isabelle Julian. I am hilarious, I’ll leave you in stitches. From my sarcastic sense of humour to my intimidating dance moves. I am compassionate and I will put all of your issues before mine. I am selfless and show my love alot by buying my close ones many things without giving them a choice. I love very deeply and share endless amounts of love and kindness. I am very spontaneous and enjoy the simplest things of life. I am creative. I love interior design, i love photography, I love art and I love a quality book. I never used to be like this I used to always just love to party and never stop. But now the perfect night is a winters night with beautiful company, an emotional book and a fire and some warm food is pure bliss to me. I wear my soul on my sleeve and I stand up for what I believe in. I will not change for anyone.

I am currently in my last year of High School in Melbourne, but when I finish the world is my oyster. I have a huge passion for travel. In the darkest moments of my life it has inspired me to keep going. At the beginning of next year, I am off on a contiki tour through out Rome, Italy all the way to Berlin, Germany and later on in 2020 I will be going on an Island Hopping Tour all through Croatia and Greece. Apart from this, life also includes HARD WORK! I will be doing a certificate in Child Safety and Intervention, which I have a huge passion for and hopefully one day can be a successful Social Worker. If I am able I would like to continue with motivating people to become the best versions of themselves. I want to share my story with the world so I can leave the world a better place than what i arrived in it like.

Most of all, I want to be a mum. I aspire to be the most aware and supportive mum I could ever be. My experience as a child has taught me what to do and what not to do and It excites me to think of my great potential. I want to be friends with my children and make them aware that I will love them no matter what. I want to prevent them from feeling insecure and shield them from mental health.

Although, I may have positive things about me, I am human and I also have flaws. I can get quite insecure and doubt myself and the people around me. I make excuses for everything and never take responsibility for the bad. I overthink every decision I make and i am lazy. But I am trying hard to fix this.

Although this post may sound “up my self” I just want my readers to learn a little more about me as a person, less of what has happened to me. What has happened to me does not define me. I grow past these experiences and learn myself.

In the comments tell me abit about you. Remember to stay true to yourself, love yourself and stand up for yourself. As I always say, dont change for anyone. Cant wait to hear more.

Lots of Love, Chlo x

To my baby Piper Grae,

You are currently a beautiful blue eyed baby four year old fighting your battle of Epilepsy in that hospital bed. I never know what to say but I love you, I love you so much and I am immensely proud of you. I wish I could take this away. I wish I could do something to help but I cant. I am so fond of you. I have never loved someone as much as I have you. From your beautiful blue eyes, to your beautiful smile and your funny, cheeky personality. I thank you Pippy, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for bringing so much joy into all our lives from putting the cat in the fridge, to walking up to the pub at the age of 3 on your own and to naming your pet horse HAPPYBIRTHDAYCAKE. Life would be oh so boring without you.

I just want to wrap my arms around you and give you the greatest cuddle, I have dedicated my whole year 12 project on the Piper Grae Crawford because what better person to do it on.

Although, you’re only four right now I hope when you grow up you can cherish this letter and picture and just admire how loved you are and how gorgeous you are at such a young age. I know by the time you read and understand this you’re going to be something big and something great. An actress? A TV presenter? Emma Wiggle? A doctor? A life changer? A motivational speaker? An inventor? Piper you my girl can do anything.

You are the most affectionate little girl but also the biggest devil, but I love it. I love it so much. The memories with you is what makes everything worthwhile.

You are like my angel with a love that always glows. You are one of the greatest gifts my heart will ever know.

Although we aren’t blood, I will forever call you my family. I will stand by you always and cheer you on constantly.

I wish for you that epilepsy can give you a break, I hope that the battle gets a little easier.

Some sisterly advice, Never change. Never stop being you. You are perfect just the way you are, I’ve said that since the minute I met you. You have a whole army who loves you for you and that won’t ever change.

Love Chlo, your eldest sister x

I saw a quote once and it said “I wasn’t ready for half the shit I’ve been through but obviously I am built for it” Your aunty wasn’t prepared for breast cancer, your mum wasn’t ready for the domestic violence and I wasn’t ready for half the things that have been dished out to me.

But what is so extraordinarily special about humans is no matter how hard it is… We get through the hurdle. No matter how big it is or how steep, we climb up that hill. The amount of times I have said I’m giving up but yet I am still here is very special.

I have had to move states, dealt with domestic violence, dealt with sexual assault, a severe illness and a messed up family. I have nearly given up numerous amounts of times but I am so glad I didn’t because it made me so much stronger and proud of the person I am right now.

I haven’t posted in the last week as I have had a lot going on and my mind has been abit foggy but I am back and better than ever. I am really excited to cover some emotional and fun topics. Blogging has been really fun for me as I have so much to say but sometimes not enough time or space to say it in.

In the mean time, when you think this hurdle is too big for you don’t give up or no matter what is going on in your life the universe never throws anything at you that you can’t handle. We are all behind you pushing you. Your strength is shown. Your perseverance is shown. You’re one special being. Don’t give up now. You’re nearly there.

Once again if any of you ever need me, I am only a message away.

Chloe x

Dear my dearest Dad,

My strength through every situation. The person who got me through every bad part of my life. My protector. The person who laughs with me and at me all day every day. Dad, It’s your time to go overseas and I am heartbroken. Although I pushed you and pushed you to leave, I secretly did not want you to go but at the same time I also knew it was the best option for our financial situation. Thank you for doing this for us. I wish that I was coming with you.

You’re currently sitting at a coffee shop with your friends saying goodbye before you leave, I wish I was there so very bad. No matter the things people have said about you. No matter the things that have gone wrong. Nothing mattered because my love for you was so strong. As tears roll down my cheek I say goodbye to you.

Dad I’m sorry. I am sorry for asking and asking and never stopping. I am sorry for the things I’ve put you through. I am sorry for the constant bullying I put you through. You’re so strong. You have been through so much and I am so surprised you’ve gotten through it all. Although you don’t talk about it often, I know you hurt and I know it’s hard for you. I am so proud of you and would never ask for a better dad because you’re my dad.

Our relationship is so fun, the sarcasm, the teasing, the joking, the memories, the car trips, the holidays. It has been so much fun and I will never forget it.

Goodluck and Stay Safe. I promise I will visit soon.

I love you.

Chloe.

Who is Piper you may ask? Piper is my god sister. There is something so special about Pippy. She is the most affectionate, lovable, darling little girl you’ll ever meet. She’ll make you laugh until you’re in stitches and as you can probably already tell I adore her.

Piper is 4 and she suffers from PCDH19, PCDH19 Epilepsy is a rare epilepsy syndrome with early onset seizures, cognitive and sensory delays, and behavioral problems. It is caused by a change or mutation of the PCDH19 gene found on the X chromosome. The PCDH19 gene makes a protein (called protocadherin 19) which helps cells in the brain communicate. This disease strongly affects her everyday life and strengths and abilities to get through life. My god parents Sara and Heath Crawford have founded a foundation called ‘The Pip.Ilepsy Foundation’ which is a non-profit organisation to raise awareness funds and support for not just Piper but many children with epilepsy.. Piper has had 85 nights within the last 6 months in RCH Intensive care unit which has effected my families everyday life stresses immensely.

Piper has currently been admitted back into the Intesive Care Unit, and our family is just shattered that epilepsy is winning this fight. Piper is honestly the strongest little four year old, strongest person I’ve ever met. The stregth in her eyes is honestly so inspiring. When you look into Pipers beautiful blue eyes, you just want to cuddle her. I genuinely think she is an angel. With my own health issues, she inspires me to be the best possible version of myself I can be.

From my side of things, It honestly breaks every part of my heart so see her so drugged up from the medicines and see her in so much pain. Witnessing seizures i wouldn’t wish on anyone, let alone experiencing them herself. As tears fall down my cheeks I wish for everyone reading this to have strength like this little girl.

I love you my Piper, forever and always our memories stay in my heart.

Love, Chloe x