The feeling of being Unlovable

When being abused by a parent, you don’t lose your love for them. you lose the love you have for yourself.

Honestly, the feeling of being unlovable is such a gut wrenching feeling, feeling like the world is coming to defeat you, the feeling of no one being on your side and the feeling of being empty and that no one will love you and no one has ever loved you. It is heartbreaking, and when in this mindset you just crave that love or that meaning of being fully loved by someone.

A lot of people blame their childhood, their partners and trauma for having such a strong feeling of being unlovable and don’t get me wrong these things can have a huge impact on this way the human heart can feel, BUT it all comes and starts from you. You losing hope. You not loving YOU. Traumatic experiences can certainly assist with losing hope and force your mind to think something so low of yourself and you as a person, but it is you who decides to stay in this feeling or to rise above it and to truly love you and everything about you.

I have felt such a strong feeling of being “unlovable”, tried blaming others, blamed experiences but in reality it is just a case of not loving myself and the whole package I come with. Good, bad and the ugly. The mistakes and the achievements. Lately I’ve been in this dark hole of feeling such hate for the way I look, the way I act and the way I am. Feeling like no one will ever love me for me and for who I am. But the realisation has come upon me this afternoon whilst I was in the shower… that it is all because I don’t love myself fully. Which when do we actually love ourselves fully? We don’t. Self love is a forever going journey. There is always room for growth.

But for now.. I am working on self blame. Blaming myself for things I had no control over. Wishing I did something different. Thinking if I should’ve let them win. Am I good enough?

Sitting with this feeling is so important for me because then thinking about this feeling I realise that I have come so far in my self love journey and my overall journey in life. I have much better quality people in my life now, I love someone important and special, I love myself, I love the person I am, I appreciate certain bits about my body and what it does for me.