I think it’s scary when you don’t know what’s next, as they say the unknown is fearful and I am indeed scared of the unknown. It is so scary when you get a glimpse of how amazing life can really be and it just gets ripped out from underneath you because some guy ate a bat.
This time has really got me thinking. About the past. About the future. And about right now.
And I was thinking… maybe the journey isn’t about becoming anything maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that really isn’t you. In this time it’s all about what you will become after this time is over , what you have become and what strength that you have burning inside you and what you really bring to the table because I know it can be hard to believe but you ALL have something, everybody brings something to the table.
I have felt so sad, so miserable, so lost and so empty in this. Like all of us. Everyone is feeling the same. But feeling like I belong doesn’t help anymore. It makes it worse. It makes me feel emense sadness that the people I love, the people I care most for are also feeling this deep amount of loneliness and sadness. I want to escape. Not only this isolation. But my head. I want to escape my head. I want to escape my feelings. My thoughts. My darkness. Lately, I haven’t been able to see a way out. I want to see the light in this black soul burning tunnel but I see nothing not even a spot of lightness. BUT and there’s always a but. I have the ambition inside me the hope that if I still open my eyes tomorrow there may be that one chance that I will see a glimpse of light when I open my eyes tomorow.
I have this hope. This sense. This feeling. That one day I can save the world. That Chloe Julian can save the world with her story. No matter how many people didn’t believe in me and no matter how many people left me when I needed them most. I know my story can inspire that one someone to not take those pills or use that rope, I know that I can save a life. I know that and yes I know that in my darkest times I need to convince myself of this of to not give up because I can and saving people of what I went through, saving people of what I’m going through, preventing pain is such a magical thing. If I help someone, that means my job is done but if I help many that means I conquered. Despite everyone and everything.
Now Chloe, I know you can do this. You will share and you will create. Your words will inspire and you will be able to do this. Just believe in yourself like the rest of the GOOD people in your life do. Make sure you believe because that’s honestly all you need. If you believe your dream becomes a reality.
Now to everyone else, (and to myself to) please stop overthinking life like you have to have an answer to every feeling or situation. That not how fucking life works. We figure it all out by just living. By fucking up, by missing an opportunity, by seeking advice and not taking it. We learn. We learn what’s important and what isn’t. Sometimes we have no fucking idea what to do and that’s okay. Always trust your gut and know that everything will work out exactly the way it’s supposed to. It always does. I hate this word so much but. RELAX. We were never in control anyway. Do what you’ve got to do to be happy.
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